Rev Lucy Winkett, Rector of St James Piccadilly, handy for Fortnum and Mason

Some have grown wealthy, as their house value increased, during the Invisible Magic Friend’s Holy Virus. I don’t wish to judge such people, but you’re a bunch of selfish bastards! And Jesus agrees with me, so I’m right.

Akhandadhi Das, a Vaishnav Hindu teacher and theologian

White Privilege among school children has been controversially linked to a fall in academic standards within white working class communities.

A good education is really important. We know this because Hindu scriptures says so. Believing in an Invisible Magic Friend also helps improve your education. Or at least in England, your parents pretending to believe in one helps.

Rev Dr Michael Banner, Dean and Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge

It turns out you really can die of a broken heart. This is exactly what the Big Book of Magic Stuff said, which just proves how right we were all along. And while science can’t cure grief, if only you’d believe in an Invisible Magic Friend then you’d be absolutely delighted at the loss of a loved one. You just have to look at how jolly Christian funerals are.

Bozo Plans to Nobble the Electoral Commission

Bozo the clown doesn’t like the electoral commission. They pry into things like whether Vote Leave broke the referendum campaign rules. They investigate whether politicians have taken backhanders for favours, for example when they have their flat redecorated at eye watering cost. Now Bozo has a solution, he’s going to nobble the electoral commission by removing its power to prosecute.

If that doesn’t sound like a big deal, just imagine if the CPS could no longer prosecute crimes. The crimes would still be on the statute book, but anyone could break the law with impunity. This is what Bozo’s government plans to do with electoral law.

If this is such a big deal, why isn’t all over the press? Why aren’t news organisations clamouring to protect one of the few remaining organisations that can call a government to account?

Yes, I’m wondering that too. In the meantime, there’s yet another petition that can be signed.