Hi everyone, Dominic, the brains behind the UK government here.
As my clear and detailed account in the No. 10 Rose Garden doesn’t seemed to have been clear enough for you people, I’ve decided to take the extraordinary step of explaining it to all you thickos once again.
There I was, busy running the country, making sure our response to the virus remained as absolutely brilliant as it already had been, when my wife was suddenly taken ill. I dropped the country at once and headed home. It turned out she was right. I confirmed that she really was ill.
I immediately did what any ordinary strategic genius like me would do. I went straight back to No. 10, the seat of the UK government. Desperately trying not to cough all over them, I told everyone I could find that I might have the virus. “Oh, no,” they said. “Dominic, you must stay, even if you have the virus. How will we run the government without you?”
Little people like you can have no idea what a terrible dilemma I found myself in. I was torn between my duty and my family. But I had to think ahead. Could I really leave the country in the hands of Dominic Raab and Priti Patel, or worse still Bojo? No, I had to get through this as quickly as possible. My country needed me.
I quickly checked the lockdown rules that I had written and was grateful for the “Dominic Exclusion Clause” that I’d included. It wasn’t certain that I had the virus yet, but my incredibly logical and analytical brain concluded that the best way to stay safe was to spend five hours locked in a car with someone who did.
Fortunately, my family, including my four year old, have well disciplined bladder control and there was no need to stop at a service station anywhere on the way up to Durham.
The virus passed. So I put my four year old safely in the back seat and took a 60 mile round trip in the car to test my eyesight. Some particularly stupid journalists have had a go at me for this, but even Michael Gove, by far the cleverest member of the cabinet after myself, has explained that this is a perfectly normal thing to do.
I hope you lot finally get it now. It’s time to move on so that I can return to my really important work as the mastermind behind the UK government.