Today, I would like to renounce my faith in an Invisible Magic Friend. The universe derives its laws from basic geometric symmetries and probability. It’s childish, arrogant and unnecessary to invent a supernatural intelligence in our own image that, in any case, then does nothing.
Similarly, I would like to call for a written constitution for the this country. One which protects democracy, accountability and equality, with an elected head of state sworn to protect the constitution. Where Prime Ministers no longer appoint all the lords, all the bishops, all the ministers, can declare war, close down parliament, hand government contracts to their friends, and vomit all over Downing Street. I call for the sanity of a modern republic.
Nah, only kidding. Doff your caps, subjects, and enjoy the extra days off you’ve been allowed.
For 2,000 years Christianity taught that the prosperous and powerful were the Invisible Magic Friend’s gift to mankind. We now know that this was wrong and office cleaners are people too. We came to this conclusion completely independently of secular thought or cultural change. We are therefore in a strong position of moral leadership to lecture you all about universal human dignity.
Isn’t the war in Ukraine terrible?
Which brings me neatly to Ascension Day. Happy Day after Ascension Day everybody! Yes, Jesus has gone up into space on a rocket propelled cloud and is well into inter-stellar space by now.
And to anyone who thinks I just bolted on the war in Ukraine as a feeble excuse pretending to talk about the news, I’ll remind you that it was Ascension Day in Ukraine too (except the heretical Orthodox sect who don’t celebrate it ’till June 2).