The Catholic Church welcomes Boris Johnson

On this auspicious occasion, the Catholic Cathedral of Westminster is delighted to welcome the Prime Minister of the (mostly) United Kingdom and his fiancee Carrie Simmons.

“I’ve always been a dedicated and pious Catholic,” lied the Prime Minister[*]. “I’m well aware of the importance and sanctity of marriage, having been married so many times before.

“I can absolutely assure Carrie that my philandering days are over. I won’t be meeting any mistresses behind my new wife’s back in the same way that I met her. You have my word on that.”

“I was born a Catholic, confirmed in the C of E, have expressed my admiration for secular humanism, but am now definitely, absolutely, resolutely, irreversibly Catholic.

“I have given my firm assurance that all of my children, that’s both, no three, or is it four or five, will be raised as Catholics.”

The Phantasmically Reverend Monsignor Ivor Twoface, spoke on behalf of Westminster Cathedral.

“This is fantastic publicity for the Cathedral and just goes to show what a brilliant religion Catholicism is. If we can attract people of the quality, honesty and integrity of the Prime Minister then the sky’s the limit.”

[*] All quotes from everybody are as true as anything said by Boris Johnson. They’re that reliable.

6 thoughts on “The Catholic Church welcomes Boris Johnson

  1. You couldn’t make it up, could you? (Oh, sorry, Rev Dr Peter, you partly did).

    Actually, I think this ridiculous move might end up to the everlasting discredit of both Bonking Boris and the RCC. His absurd hypocrisy and self-regard are made manifest yet once more. The church’s own hypocrisy and venality are just as much in evidence. Future generations will hold them both in contempt.


  2. What a bunch of fecking hypocrites. It would make a good episode of Father Ted I suppose.

    For me the ultimate hypocrisy is their insistence on celibate priests, yet when the opportunity arose to poach disaffected vicars from the C of E they were welcomed with open arms, even if married. Thus there are married priests in an organisation which bans priests from being married.

    Sometimes its a floor polish, sometimes it’s a dessert topping. Nothing if not flexible.


  3. On a more positive note, if anyone is visiting London, and you’ve never seen Westminster Cathedral (not to be confused with the rather boring, gothic, Westminster Abbey), it really is the most spectacular, Byzantine style church. For some reason it’s not on the main list of tourist attractions, when it really ought to be.


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