The Catholic Church welcomes Boris Johnson

On this auspicious occasion, the Catholic Cathedral of Westminster is delighted to welcome the Prime Minister of the (mostly) United Kingdom and his fiancee Carrie Simmons.

“I’ve always been a dedicated and pious Catholic,” lied the Prime Minister[*]. “I’m well aware of the importance and sanctity of marriage, having been married so many times before.

“I can absolutely assure Carrie that my philandering days are over. I won’t be meeting any mistresses behind my new wife’s back in the same way that I met her. You have my word on that.”

“I was born a Catholic, confirmed in the C of E, have expressed my admiration for secular humanism, but am now definitely, absolutely, resolutely, irreversibly Catholic.

“I have given my firm assurance that all of my children, that’s both, no three, or is it four or five, will be raised as Catholics.”

The Phantasmically Reverend Monsignor Ivor Twoface, spoke on behalf of Westminster Cathedral.

“This is fantastic publicity for the Cathedral and just goes to show what a brilliant religion Catholicism is. If we can attract people of the quality, honesty and integrity of the Prime Minister then the sky’s the limit.”

[*] All quotes from everybody are as true as anything said by Boris Johnson. They’re that reliable.