Staggeringly Revd Nicholas Baines, Bishop of Leeds, West Yorkshire, the Dales and any other bits that can’t afford their own bishop any more

People don’t understand the rules about the Invisible Magic Friend’s holy virus. I’m used to this. Jesus almost never spoke directly and to the point. He delighted in being obscure. Not understanding the rules is exactly the same as ignoring them.

Tina Beattie, Professor of being Catholic

I’ve just found out that insects are really useful. Of course I should have realised this. The Invisible Magic Friend created them to be useful. All you selfish, hedonistic consumers are killing insects. If everyone was Catholic and just stayed home reproducing all day, then the insects would be fine.

Rev Dr Sam Wells, Vicar of St Martin-in-the-Fields

You might think it’s a good thing to suspend Donald Trump’s twitter account.

But just hold on there. Jesus says free speech is paramount. The church has always been in favour of unrestricted free speech. If Twitter can do this to the President of the United States, then they might do exactly the same to you when you try to incite insurrection against a democratic legislature.