Right Awful Anne Atkins – Agonising Aunt and Vicar’s Wife

And in the Big News today from a Faith Perspective, music. Specifically religious music. There was no music during the time of the Invisible Magic Friend’s Holy Virus, which, thanks entirely to the heroic efforts of Boris the Great, is now entirely gone.

Music is played on loop in heaven. For eternity, we will be able to sit back, relax, and enjoy unending gangsta rap, hip hop, punk rock and heavy metal, to the accompaniment of lute, flute and harp.



9 thoughts on “Right Awful Anne Atkins – Agonising Aunt and Vicar’s Wife

  1. Indeed, Rev Peter. This bonkers rant held out no prospect of reggae in heaven, no jazz, not even any ‘soul’ – shurely shome mishtake with that last one. Who wants to go to a ‘heaven’ with no reggae? I wouldn’t. But what was this breathless ramble apropos anyway? Musical events have long since sloughed off COVID restrictions; people have been flocking to gigues and concerts for months. AAA had absolutely no ‘story in the news’ for her faith perspective.

    There were, of course, her usual anchor points, the family, privileged upbringing, Shakespeare, her cultured life, and hints at her important connections – a conductor, a professional singer etc etc. All to tell us…. what exactly? She missed the opportunity (probably never occurred to her self-centred mind) to tell us of the Ukrainian orchestra that will play at the Promenade Concerts this year, formed of ex-patriates, refugees, and of those still fighting for their country who will be permitted to attend before returning to the fighting. That will be a powerful gesture; a defiance of Russian aggression through culture, one of the most significant things that the Ukrainian people are fighting for. They won’t give a sh*t about Anne’s little bourgeois vicarage performance of the “Toy Symphony,” which, incidentally I have loved, but will now never be able to listen to again.

    The prisoners of Auschwitz memorably played music; the Roma families, and the musicians who formed an orchestra; tiny flickers of civilisation amidst unspeakable barbarity. Anne’s IMF wasn’t in evidence then; nearly all of them perished. Music is a human invention and a form of expression that can and is used to express faith – but AAA wasn’t talking about gospel choirs was she; it was all Kings College and cathedrals. I’d suggest that the majority of music enjoyed today is secular.

    I wouldn’t hold out for any promise of a musical eternity in AAA’s heaven. Make music now, listen to it now, enjoy it now as a component of life; you’re a long time dead.

    I was reminded of my favourite gravestone inscription this morning; that of an American blues singer. It read simply: Didn’t Wake Up This Mornin’


      1. No, just a trifle specific.
        “gigue, n.”. OED Online. March 2022. Oxford University Press. https://www.oed.com/view/Entry/78255?redirectedFrom=gigue (accessed April 27, 2022).

        gigue, n.
        Pronunciation: /ʒiɡ/
        Forms:  See also jig n.1
        Frequency (in current use): [3/8]
        Etymology: French gigue = Italian giga, originally a fiddle or lute (whence German geige fiddle).
        Music.  A piece of music, of a lively character, in two strains or sections, each of which is repeated; usually employed as the last movement of the Suite.
        1685   London Gaz. No. 2081/4   Airs for the Violin: To wit, Preludes, Fuges, Allmands, Sarabands, Courants, Gigues.


  2. It’s all about me, me, me!! Aren’t I wonderful? Isn’t my family wonderful?! I had to tune out after a couple of minutes as I didn’t have a sick bag handy, so I’ll never know whether she actually got round to mentioning Baby Jesus [Or more likely St Paul, as is the fashion these days]


  3. Breathless, barmy, b!!cks.
    If AAA’s or anyone else’s version of heaven is real, I’ll only agree to go there if there are no children practising the violin, drums, etc.


  4. Oh my word! Slow down Anne for goodness sake, it’s still before 8am.
    Music in Kings made her feel closer to heaven than she ever has? What overblown hype.
    And live music has been back for ages I believe, so hardly something in the news, unless she is thinking of the big ‘religious’ festivals like Download, Glastonbury, the Proms and Reading.
    Perhaps this was this something she wrote last autumn but wasn’t asked on for a few months and decided to use so she could tell us all about dad’s century and the vicarage full of ‘famous’ mates. Not quite humblebragging.


  5. In amongst this Gish Gallop of conceited claptrap was the strong and patronising inference that music can not be fully enjoyed, appreciated or cherished by anyone who isn’t pious in the same way that AAA is.

    She seems to have been away for a while but is now back apparently making up for lost time by ensuring her outpourings are even more deranged than usual. Just bizarre stuff.


  6. Oh dear. Anne (“I’m a Vicar’s wife you know!”) Atkins spews out her literary, musical, and biblical references in an increasingly frenzied game of one-upwomanship. Not a lot of ‘blessed are the meek’ on display here. Someone should be standing by with a bucket of water just in case she overheats and spontaneously combusts. Whether most of her listeners feel impressed, or merely battered, by these multiple examples of erudition, I cannot say. What I can say is that learning the harp in order to play it at a wedding seems questionable, given that it takes at least three years to become proficient with the instrument. Did her son have three years’ notice of this particular wedding? I think we should be told.


  7. If were going to have gangsta rap, hip hop and punk rock forced on us in Paradise, I’m glad I’m going to the other place.

    AAA overlooks the fact that Christian religious music of the sort she says she likes is a tiny subset of the vast range of Western music, and even so a lot of it has gone in and out of fashion over the years. Tudor church music virtually disappeared until it was rediscovered about 100 years ago. The Victorian stalwarts like Mendelssohn’s ‘Elijah’or Stainer’s ‘Crucifixion’ are now widely felt to be stuffy and boring.

    Quite apart from ignoring the huge quantity of music that is either secular or non-‘classical’, AAA overlooks the many non-Western musical traditions, which have very different ideas about structure, harmony and instrumentation. I doubt whether AAA would be getting such a buzz out of Carols from King’s if she had been born Japanese, Indian, Indonesian or Ghanaian, for instance. The world is much bigger than her religion. Thankfully.


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