On This Day

NHS extras
Sunday, 28 June, 2009

“Alright Lilly, I’ve cleaned out the infected area, put on some new bandages and given you something for the pain. The Meals on Wheels people will be round at noon and I’ll pop in again tomorrow to see how you’re doing and change your sheets. Now, is there anything else before I go?”
“Oh, no thank you nurse, you’ve been very kind, but why are you looking so worried?”
“Well, I just want to ask you something. Please don’t feel under any pressure to comply just because you’re bedridden, incapacitated and entirely dependent on me for all your immediate needs.”
The nurse bent over Lilly and whispered in her ear.
“You seem like a very nice old lady, not like one of those awful unbelievers, so would you like me to pray for you?”
“Oh, I just knew you would say yes!”
“What are you doing?”
“It’s only holy water dear.”
“But you’re soaking me!”
“Sanctus, sanctus, sanctus. Dominus Deus Sabaoth…”
“What’s that?”
“A thurible, for burning incense. I’ll just hang it up by these chains and set it swinging gently above your bed.”
“And who are all these people?”
“Oh don’t worry about them, they’re the chorus of priests and acolytes. They’ll be maintaining a 24 hour candle lit vigil, chanting and singing hymns of praise throughout the night. Just pretend they aren’t there. You’ll get used to the exorcisms and casting out of demons. Think of it as some extra vigorous physical therapy. Very good for the circulation.”
“I’m not sure all this Christian paraphernalia…”
“I feel exactly the same. No point in putting all our eggs in one basket is there? This voodoo doll with all the pins in it represents the evil curses that have brought this upon you. Just remove one pin three times a day and you’ll be right as rain in no time. I’m so glad you’re not one of those militant, grumpy old sceptics that thinks religion has no place in modern medicine. We have to look after the spirit as well as the body. Now, let me see, a few cloves of garlic to ward off evil spirits… would now be a good time to sacrifice the goat?”
“Sacrifice the…??”
“My herd’s in your driveway right now. Look… oh… sorry about that, you might want to get someone to clean that up later, very unhygienic to leave it there. What are you doing?”
“I spilt some salt. Just throwing some over my shoulder for good luck.”
“Well! If I’d known you believed in all that blasphemous, superstitious claptrap I wouldn’t have bothered!”


One thought on “On This Day

  1. Thanks Rev Dr Peter. The second report could have been a good laugh, but having flown with Nepal Airlines I’m not inclined to laugh for very long.

    From the first report: ‘Christianity is seen as something that is unhelpful’. Yup. And?


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